but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize