he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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