I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
