Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
