Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
