I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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