wanna go halves on a baby?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
