Whod you bang
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
