his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
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Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
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I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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