I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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