She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
