I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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