You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We have started to decorate penises.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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