I just threw up on my dentist
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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