btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
