when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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