I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
this is an emotional support booty call
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
