Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
