shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
soo... how was my night?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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