Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
