Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're a waste of cheezeits
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
