the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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