Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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