i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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