I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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