note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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