I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
