we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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