Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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