So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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