Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?