I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
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I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
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He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?