Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
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Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.