i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
