you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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