i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
