Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
