R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
how drunk are you?
Several
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
