brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
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YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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