Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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