I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
