that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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