The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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