Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
