Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
