I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
