The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
