Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So much rum. So many feels.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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