All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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