he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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