mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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