Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Randomize
