he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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