I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
