Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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