I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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