I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
