I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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