Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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