So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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