Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
